


everythings on sale, merry christmas in july

by orphan_account



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Soulmates, au where if ur soulmate is listening to/thinking of a song u hear it too or w/e, hh gregg, stans gonna fucking kill richie, this is dumb. sorry, youtuber richie tozier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-31 08:33:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12678258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Stan is going to fucking murder his soulmate, whoever they are.





	everythings on sale, merry christmas in july

Stan is going to commit a murder.

 

“I’m going to commit a murder,” he says. Bill nods absently, humming along to whatever cheesy love song his soulmate is listening to. “I’m serious,” Stan insists. “I’m gonna track this motherfucker down and kill him and you’re gonna miss me when I’m in jail because who will come watch horror movies with you then?” Bill looks up with a smile.

“You say that n-now, but I bet you’ll chang-g-ge your mind when you m-muh-meet him.” Stan scoffs.

“I won’t have time to change my mind. I’ll be busy killing him.”

“It can’t b-buh-be that bad. What is it this time?” Stan grits his teeth.

“I don’t even know. A commercial jingle or something, over and over. It’s been two hours and it hasn’t even paused once.” Bill winces a little in sympathy.

“Okay, that’s pret-t-t-ty bad.” 

 

\---

 

“It’s NOT EVEN JULY,” Stan says out loud to his empty bedroom. “It is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO JULY.” The song doesn’t relent, though; the high-pitched voice continues to enthusiastically promote its killer deals.

_ “H-H-H-H-H, H-H-H GREGG! PANASONIC BLU-RAY, NINETY-NINE DOLLARS! THIRTY-TWO INCH LCD TV, TWO-NINETY-NINE! LG FORTY-TWO INCH HDTV, FOUR-EIGHTY-NINE! EVERYTHING’S ON SALE, MERRY CHRISTMAS IN JULY!” _

He rolls over in bed and catches a glimpse of his alarm clock. The glowing numbers read 3:50. Stan practically growls and yanks his laptop off the nightstand, opening YouTube with unnecessary intensity. Moments later, ‘November Has Come’ begins playing. He crosses his arms with a huff and waits. The song in his head gets louder. Stan yells.

 

\---

 

“Does HH Gregg, like, exist anymore?” Stan asks. Bill looks up thoughtfully. 

“Hmm,” he says. “I don’t know.”

 

\---

 

Stan nearly cries in relief when the song finally stops. He puts on his headphones, cranks his playlist, and takes an incredibly satisfying nap.

 

\---

 

**BILL:** stan

**BILL:** stan

**BILL:** stan

**STAN:** What.

**BILL:** youre never gonna believe this

**BILL:** hold on

**BILL:** (youtube link)

**STAN:** What is this?

**BILL:** just watch it it went viral like two days ago

 

Stan clicks the link. The video is called “greggcon endurance challenge” and it opens on a dark-haired young man about Stan’s age wearing enormous glasses and a hideous flannel over a shirt that says ‘MISS BEHAVIN’: PARTY GIRL.’ 

“Hey guys!” the boy says. “Richie here. So, recently I was dared to sit and watch all ten hours of Greggcon—” 

“You fucking were not, I said ‘don’t watch ten hours of that fucking hell video, I swear to god,’ and you said ‘don’t tell me what to do’ and started setting up the camera!” yells a voice offscreen.

“—Thanks, Eddie, anyway. I am going to do it, because I’m not a coward. This video isn’t edited at all. Ten hours. Let’s go.” He turns to the computer next to him and hits play. Stan yells.

 

**STAN:** ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING

**STAN:** CAN I GET A REFUND

**BILL:** lmfao

**BILL:** congratulations

**STAN:** Don’t. Don’t even joke about this.

**STAN:** I’m genuinely so angry

**STAN:** What do I even do from here??

**BILL:** you could dm him? ten bucks says he has an easily searchable twitter

**STAN:** Ugh.

**BILL:** look up trashmouth tozier

**STAN:** Oh yeah, you were right

**STAN:** I found him.

**STAN:** His layout is fucking horrifying.

 

 

**@uristanley:** Hey, dipshit.

**@trashmouthtozier:** thats my name dont wear it out

**@trashmouthtozier:** have u come 2 cyberbully me

**@uristanley:** No, I’ve come to give you a piece of my mind.

**@uristanley:** You’re an asshole.

**@uristanley:** Ten hours? Ten hours. TEN HOURS.

**@trashmouthtozier:** haha pretty impressive right

**@trashmouthtozier:** calling me an asshole is valid but i am failing 2 see the connection btwn greggcon and my assholery

**@uristanley:** I had to listen to that stupid song for ten hours.

**@uristanley:** It’s fucking November. I’m going to kill you.

**@trashmouthtozier:** haha no one made u watch the whole thing dude

**@uristanley:** I didn’t watch the whole thing.

**@uristanley:** Trust me, if I had had any kind of choice, I wouldn’t have subjected myself to that.

**@trashmouthtozier:** wait

**@trashmouthtozier:** ok if ur saying what i think ur saying 

**@trashmouthtozier:** u gotta prove it

**@trashmouthtozier:** bc this isnt the first time someones tried 2 convince me

**@trashmouthtozier:** given my high profile, impeccable fashion sense, raw sexual energy, etc etc

**@uristanley:** Try me.

**@trashmouthtozier:** ok

**@trashmouthtozier:** what song did u turn on at the six hr mark

**@uristanley:** ‘November Has Come.’

**@trashmouthtozier:** haha shit

**@trashmouthtozier:** well nice to meet u dude im richie

**@uristanley:** I know. Unfortunately.

**@trashmouthtozier:** and ur stanley im assuming

**@trashmouthtozier:** can i call u stan

**@trashmouthtozier:** stan the man

**@uristanley:** ...Don’t.

**@trashmouthtozier:** ur cute stan the man

 

**STAN:** SOS

**BILL:** ???

**STAN:** He’s flirting.

**BILL:** haha i kinda expected that

**STAN:** You fucking traitor

**STAN:** You sent me in knowing it was a trap

**BILL:** youll thank me later

**STAN:** I’m adding you to my hitlist. 

**STAN:** This isn’t over.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this genuinely very stupid fic!! i love stozier and i love making stupid aus and i LOVE this specific soulmate au with richie involved because GOD would he get stupid shit stuck in his head (i've talked quite a lot on my blog about another scenario where stan is forced to endure 'that minecraft life' by chilly chameleon for days on end)
> 
> heres the song richie was listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRMWOXDbZDg
> 
> no idea when ill continue this but it doesnt feel over!


End file.
